Dogs and Chocolate

Two things that should never mix.

John's favorite treat in the entire world is dark chocolate. I mean DARK chocolate. He likes those candy bars that claim to be 90% Cocoa. I think they taste like chalk, but that is just me.

Anyway, I bought his a couple of these bars the other day. He was thrilled.

Tuesday afternoon he called me at work.

"What happens if a dog eats 1/2 a dark chocolate bar?" he asked.

"They die.", I replied.

"I'll call you right back." he said, and hung up.

I have been married to John long enough to know that these kind of things happen. So I didn't get too worried. I let it go, until I came home that afternoon.

I walked in to see John holding a bottle of Hydrogen Peroxide and a huge container of Idoz Salt. Max was looking up at him with an expression of hunger.

"Are you feeding that stuff to him?", I asked.

"Yeah, the vet said I have to get him to throw up all the chocolate, and that this is what you give a dog to make them barf. The problem is, Max likes this stuff and eats it with no problem." John told me.

So, after an initial dosage of two teaspoons recommended by the vet we ended up with giving him around six tablespoons of peroxide, plus two tablespoons of salt to make it foam up after no luck with the peroxide alone. Max lapped up peroxide and salt like it was a treat. He didn't even look like he was going to be sick at all. The vet was amazed as call after call she told us to give him more.

It was get him to barf, or get an emergency stomach pump. And I was not paying for that when Peroxide and Salt were practically free.

Max finally foamed up and puked loads of chocolate in the front yard, and all was well. So gross to watch.

We learned two things.

1. How to make a dog barf.

2. Not to leave chocolate on the kitchen counter. Max may only be a foot and a half tall, but he is three and a half feet long. On his hind legs he can reach anything.

THROWDOWN!

Yes, I am now a Throwdown Elite. Whatever that means.

I guess it means that I am a masochist.

I actually decided to pay money to have someone yell at me, and force me onto different torture devices, and make me sweat my guts out and possibly cry on a daily basis.

I switched from Gold's Gym to the closer, more state of the art MMA gym opening up in South Orem.

MMA stands for Mixed Martial Arts.

I will be taking a combination of actual Kickboxing (not that aerobic sissy version, but the real thing with punching bags and all), Heated Yoga (they turn up the heat in the room to about 100 degrees, and then you sweat your butt off while doing Yoga), Plates (again, the real plates taught by a trained instructor, not the sissy aerobic version), and whatever cardio and weights I want to do on my own.

They also assign me to a trainer, with a class of about 6 other girls. We will all meet regularly to have our butts kicked as a group.

The thing that totally sold me on this gym was their Friday night "date night" class for couples. You come in, and learn to box as a couple. Basically the chicks get to punch the crap out of their spouses, while all the guys can do is dodge and block. SOLD!

Of course John is the one who talked me into this gym. He is so excited to take Jiu Jitsu and Boxing again. He is such a weirdo. He loves all that crap. They have an octagon there, so he will be fighting dudes in his classes.

I am shaking my head and rolling my eyes a little about it right now if you can imagine.

But whatever floats his boat.

It will be fun to be on a treadmill, and look down to the first floor where John is getting a run for his money the ring.

I am just excited to have a plan to get back in shape after this giant baby boy decides to return my hashed body to me. Hopefully it is something that I like and can stick with.

John will be working a new schedule that gets him home around 2:30pm everyday, so he can watch baby while I go get my butt kicked. I am sure I will appreciate any opportunity to get out of the house.

Double the "Hoilday"

This year my anniversary happened to fall on Mothers Day.
It was the 100th anniversary of Mothers Day, my 6th wedding anniversary and my first Mothers Day.
I spent the day with John. Which is a rare treat. We never seem to be home at the same time. We played Wii, and ate good food. Perfect!
I think in future I will excuse my children and husband from this invented holiday. It is kind of silly if you ask me.
I also realized that I will have to be evicting this kid here soon. While it sounds great to have space for my lungs back, I don't know about the actual process of getting the kid out. I am starting to freak a little. Okay that is a lie. I am starting to freak out a LOT!
Holy hell, who came up with baby exit strategy?
Happy mothers day to my Mom, who I didn't catch on the phone yesterday. I will call you. Thanks for *gasp* giving birth to me.

Noticed a Theme

Okay, how come none of you told me that I post something bathroom related about three times a month?

Anyhoo....

An update on the iPod. John managed to shove it clear through to the sewer, and the Roto Rooter man left us with his seal of approval, and no bill. The toilet has not worked this well in years. A new iPod is probably cheaper than the Roto Rooter man anyway! Hurray. I now must have a small funeral for MY iPod, which is already subtly changed ownership to my husband. Oh well. I got it to use at the gym, like that is actually happening! HA!

Have you ever been to a Orem/Provo Golds Gym? Forget it. All the girls there are super fit Zoobies who only show up for an excuse to wear skimpy workout gear and search for marriage partners. None of them even break a sweat (or need to, the skinny little....)

Not a place for a sweaty knocked up woman. Although I should go. I could be a sweaty beacon of warning to young people everywhere. "Be careful, THIS could happen to YOU!"

I got my first Mother's Day present today, a little early. John got me a Wii!
Wii!
I just like to say, Wii!
It reminds me of the knights who all too recently said Nih! (If you don't know what that means, you should be ashamed of yourself. Go ask the nerd in your life. They should be able to clarify for you. Shame.)
I shall say Nih! unto you.
Nih!
Wii!

Okay, enough. So I am really excited to play it. I wanted to take a "sick day" from work to sleep in and play with the Wii, but I was a responsible adult, and came into work anyway.

Go me.

Wii!

I know, I am awesome.

Toilet Talk

If you have been to my house, and used the "facilities" you know that my bathroom throne has not had a lid for the last five years despite a lot of nagging to have it replaced.
I knew one day the importance of this would hit, and a new lid would be installed.
That day has come, and it is going to be expensive.
Here is a conversation I had with John via cell phone:

John: Hello, this is John
Me: Why are you whispering like someone died?
John: I am just trying not to have a nervous breakdown.
Me: Why? What happened?
John: I think I flushed my iPod down the toilet.
(John LOVES his iPod, it is like an extension of his body, thus the reason it accompanied him to the restroom.)
Me:How did you do that?
John: I set it on the back of the toilet, later flushed, and turned to wash my hands. When I looked back my iPod was gone. It is not in the bathroom anywhere, and I know it was just here.
Me: Well, I bet now you see the importance of a toilet lid.
John: Honey, not right now....
Me: Well stick your hand in an fish around.
(John pauses, stuffing his hand into a toilet. Gross)
John: My hand is too big, you will have to try when you get home.
Me: Great.

I am so looking forward to stuffing my hand down a toilet, to fish for a $150.00 iPod, then finding that I cant get it and spending $300.00 on a plumber.

Good times.

Who takes their iPod to the bathroom? John does.

Of all the gifts a toilet sees over the years, this one has got to be it's favorite. So here's to the toilet and it's fabulous gift of music. It is the least we can do after all of its years of faithful service.

An evening full of pee.

I have a little Aussie dog, who is too curious for her own good. She is always in the middle of what you are trying to do, and last night she got some consequences for it.
Little Izzy has a preference for toilet water. Her bowl could be full of fresh icy water and she will still choose the toilet.
Last night, before bed, John was using the facilities with the light off and the door open, while I was brushing my teeth. Yes, we are THAT married and THAT gross. Anyway, little Izzy, being involved in everything as usual, decided that the bathroom was the place to be. Not seeing that John was peeing, she stuck her head under the stream to try for a drink.
Needless to say, she got pee all over her head.
It was the damn funniest thing I ever saw!
She freaked out and bolted while I howled with laughter. We then had to chase her around the house, so we could give her head a good washing.
I laughed hysterically for nearly an hour.
I guess she did not appreciate being the laughed at. This morning as I went to take her and Max out for their morning potty break I stepped in an icy cold pee puddle, with bare feet at the back door. She must have set that up last thing before bed last night.
As is the saying, "Revenge is a dish (or in this case, puddle) best served cold."

Wow, what a husband.

I stress about everything. I mean EVERYTHING. I also prepare myself needlessly for things way in advance. This baby thing is no different.
I hate being half way (yeah I know some of you are laughing and saying "That's right, ONLY half way.") and not having anything done. It stresses me out. I don't want to be doing these errands in the heat of the summer, when I am the size of a blimp.
This brings us to husband numero uno. The best there is. John.
He went to BabiesRUs yesterday, alone, and spent 4 hours comparing a wide range of major purchases. He gets into details that I just don't have the patients for. He compares things with the sales staff and Internet reviews for hours. It is great as long as I don't have to sit through it.
Anyway, he literally spent 4 hours in what I would consider man hell.
He not only made all the decisions, which I love, but he even ordered a custom rocker for me. He looked at fabric swatches, and compared their durability and stain resistance! If I didn't know better, that kind of activity would make him almost gay! Bless him! He is my hero.
I showed up to the store after work, and he showed me everything before the final purchase, and then loaded it up and brought most of it home!
I am so in love. He is the best ever.
So I bet you want to know what he got me huh? Well, it was all the big stuff, so here goes:

So here we have the chair. Now it may look like most chairs, but let me tell you. It is soooo not. It does a ton of stuff, but most important, this bad boy reclines, and then still rocks while reclining! The heck you say! Plus, unlike cheap imitations this thing is like sitting on a cloud. It is like laying in a bed. It is so comfortable. Good thing too, cause it is said I will be practically living and sleeping in it while feeding a hungry newborn. John customized it with a cream/brown microfiber fabric. Get this, he chose the microfiber for its stain resistance, and the color because it can hide stains! What kind of guy knows this stuff!? He also got me a matching glider stool with a special pull out feature for you feet, it is supped to make breastfeeding easier and more comfortable! What a guy.


This one cracks me up. He is so worried about babies little bum on the car seat being cozy and comfy, that he picked out this cute little thing called the Snuzzler.

He the researched cribs with the sales staff for who knows how long, and chose this one, with a lifetime warranty. It also converts into a toddler bed and then full size bed. He shoock the crap out of the sales floor display to make sure it would hold up to a Dunston baby. He looked crazy. But any man alone in BabiesRUs for that long looks a little crazy anyway.

Matching, Dunston proof changing table. John chose it for the ample storage space, and tie down strap for the anticipated "wild" baby.
This one he spent who knows how long on. He needed to find the toughest, manliest stroller there is. He found it, and even knows the safety ratings, and how many pounds the carrier can hold. Ours is khaki and orange, Johns favorite colors. :)
He also insited on a video monitor. Electronics. He compared monitors forever. He loved the cool features on this one. All I know is that it works. He could probably tell you 10 cool features it has. I just like that the camera is cute and not creepy. I almost want to put little animal ears on it.
Our favorite item of them all is this. It is called the SweetPeace. John likes it because it looks like it has enough padding for baby bums, and because it rocks like moms really do, side to side. He also like the teething ring, must most of all the fact that is has an MP3 player jack and speaker. I know.

I like it cause it is so tall the dogs can't lick the baby.


Well, there you have it. We bought all of the big stuff. John is the man. I love him dearly and I feel so much better now that things are getting done. I know, I am neurotic. But thank goodness he likes me enough to do this kind of thing anyway. I think I will keep him.

Christmas With Nana Poppet

Nana Poppet invited us all home for Christmas this year, and it was a total blast. I loved seeing my sisters, and Hubby and G hit it off great. Plus I got away from the construction zone that had become my kitchen!
Here are MeMe, Stink and I, all doing our thing at the local Target. Meme, and I got banned from several stores for this kind of activity in high school! It was awesome! We have to teach Stink the way of the Merrill high school girl.

Nana Poppet made us all get gussied up for a family photo. This is a blurry (and thus beautiful) pic of me and Stink practicing for our close up.

On Christmas morning, the family chefs made us delicious, high quality french toast. G was wearing a new beanie, with fashionable tag intact. Hubby looks on lovingly at the food being prepared. I think this is the first time he has witnessed cooking in real life.

Here are Hubby and G. doing what they do best. Gaming, and ignoring the womanly chatter ans snickering going on in the kitchen. Manly.

I gifted these two cool T's to my sisters, to remind them that Sunday is not just about boredom. It can be fun if you make it so.

Nana Poppet said she would combat these shirts by getting he own with the 10 commandments printed on it, and a movable arrow. She would point the arrow to whatever commandment we children were making light of at the moment.

PS- Those are obviously cups of root beer.....

G. had a terrible accident. While saving 10 kittens from sure death by semi, his leg was mauled by a truck and MeMe had to carry him home on here back. Look at that concentration.

In effort to save her love, she sacrificed her favorite jeans. Killing them with a rip to the rear.

Later, Hubby and G. repaired Nana Poppets dinosaur computer, giving it new life and the strength to withstand the iTune fixation of Stink.


And what would a get together of Merrill woman be without the display of our god given triple chin shocker. Here we all are demonstrating the beauty that we have been given.

Here is John, building one heck of a fire, unnecessarily, in the home hearth. He looks pleased doesn't he?


I would like to close this photo essay with a picture of the beautiful MeMe, doing a mating display, dance and call in the isles of Target. Just for kicks. Thanks MeMe, you are hot!

Mr. Sergeant!

How it happened:
-Mr. was invited to test to become a Sergeant by his superiors.
-Mr. tested with 76 other officers.
-Mr. was one of only 20 that passed and was asked to interview.
-Mr. passed his interview.
-Mr. placed second out of all tested and interviewed.
-Mr. was promoted to Sergeant.

Important things to note:
-Most officers do not pass testing their first time.
-No study material is given to those who will be testing.
-Mr. has only been an officer for a little over two years.
-Mr. placed above officers that had been Sergeants before!

Points of interest:
-Mrs. will be richer courtesy of Mr.
-Mr. will now have several officers work directly under him.
-Mr. is VERY smart and good at his job.
-Mrs. is VERY proud.

My Husband the Genius

You know those nerds? Those people who build their own computers from scratch? They are always talking about Gig and Ram and what not? Well, I have married one of their ranks. Mr. surprised me and I think himself by putting together the custom ordered parts that make up my new SUPER COMPUTER! He saved us thousands!

Computer Parts
$1000.00

Computer Programs
$650.00

Learning your Husband in a true nerd
Priceless