Holy Toast

Ever made fun of those people who have holy food items appear in their homes? You know, the ladies with the virgin Mary smiling back at them in a grease pattern while cooking tortillas, or seared into the side of toast?

I know I have. But I make fun of a LOT of people, so whats new, right?

Well, I am taking the holy toast finders of my mocking list. They were right. Toast is holy. There is nothing ordinary about this holy and righteous food. And it is no wonder that Mary, above all others, should appear on it.

Toast is my one link to a fairly settled stomach. Yesterday I successfully ate 10 slices, and kept all ten.

This morning, eating toast in the shower and on the way to work saved my from further tummy trouble.

Thank heaven for holy toast. My new favorite food. Maybe someday soon I too will find a holy image burned into the side of my bread.

Something like a hangover.....

Today I went to visit Mr. T at work and while we were "talking" I noticed this horrible smell.

The cleaner had just installed a pungent Pina Colada scented air freshener in the work wash room. My gosh it was bad.

It made my chat with Mr. T far longer than necessary.

I found myself with toilet paper stuffed up each nostril, trying to pry the offending sent from the holder on the wall. No such luck.

I had to go and retrieve a tool from the shop, to unscrew the air freshener holder, and threw that sent stick in the outside garbage.

Hopefully nobody noticed my frantic project.

Wow, pina coladas made me barf.

Meanwhile, I am feeling like a bloated cow, and there is nothing I can do about it, because I am afraid to go to the gym and barf on a treadmill.

I am sure it only gets better.

Yay for Puke!

It was about week 4/5 and I was gloating to one "in the know" friend about how I have no morning, or any other time, sickness. I smiled smugly and commented that actually wished for some, so I could barf off some of the 5 pounds I had already gained.
Well, the puke Gods heard me, and laughing at my stupidity, they granted my ill thought out wish, and now I am a constant puker. Well, not a constant puker, but a constantly nauseated preggo lady.

Why!!!???

This morning I woke up like a military Sergeant fighting a war. A war with the puke. I had a game plan, nay, a plan of ATTACK. I barked military like orders at my poor husband in attempt to make my no-puke plan a success. It is all about the strategy and planning.
"Bring me Yogurt!", I cried from by warm place in bed.

I dutifully ate it, even though it was too yucky and then, slowly, ever so slowly worked my way out of bed. No sudden movements. I didn't want my stomach to know I was awake so it could begin its all day siege.

By the time I got in the car I was ready with crackers for the ride to work. I ate those boring cardboard crackers as I drove by McDonalds.

"I want a McGriddle and hash brown and Coke for breakfast!" cried my tummy.

"You are a liar!", I replied. "You are just trying to trick me. As soon as I eat that thing, you will toss it back up! Waste of $5.00! Now shut up and enjoy these cardboard crackers."
I made it to work, and my desk even without having to visit our good friend Mr. T.

So far so good, but I do have that nagging nausea that creeps up before lunch no matter what I eat. Oh wait.......



Okay I am back. I spoke too soon. Mr. T says hi.

Suprise!

I have never been one to keep my mouth shut for very long about much. Little gems of information gnaw at my insides until they work their way up my esophagus, and out my big blabber mouth.

One such informational gem has worked its way into my belly and has been wiggling around, and truthfully making it's way up my esophagus almost twice a day.

John and I are pregnant. We are about six/seven weeks and tentatively due on July 21st 2008.

There you go. It's out, but only to my family and loyal blog readers.

If I work with you, and you check my blog for some odd reason,

KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! Don't be a jerk.

PS- This rude comment is not meant for people I may have told, just nosy people looking for a reason to pick on me.

Anyway, there you have it.

Now, I can blog more often, and about disgusting and hilarious things that come with being a preggo.

First off. Last night John did the best thing ever. He cleaned my new best friend so well that I could eat out of it. My new best friend is the toilet. I meet to chat with this friend a few times on a bad day and maybe once on a good one. Who needs another reason to vomit? Like a sick looking toilet? I don't.

John has made a solemn vow to keep my new best friend

(the toilet, or as I like to call him, Mr. T.)

and my new favorite room (the bathroom) spic and span for me.

What a guy!

This morning when I got to work, I calmly clocked in, walked to the bathroom, and had a chat with my work version of Mr. T. It is great to puke in a public restroom! Especially when you have to keep it quite, so as not to give away your "condition".

Everyone who knows me, knows that there is nothing quite about me, least of all that vomit reflex.

Wow, are all of me readers sick now too?

Other than the new affinity for Mr. T, and the bathroom, I have developed some great new quirks to add to the long list of ones I already had.

1. Boobs, they were a pretty big part of me before, but now, only six weeks into this adventure they are at a DOUBLE D. This is a joke right? And they are only getting bigger.

Most husbands would say "Woohoo! One perk of having a preggo wife!" These men would be wrong, and have never had a preggo wife.

Just accidentally brushing these gigantic things against a wall on the way to another room is something, I would imagine, akin to being kicked in that one spot that got me into this mess for men.

2. I have a new obsession with carbs, mostly mashed potatoes and gravy. No matter were we eat, my first question is, "Do you have mashed potatoes?"

This question is especially silly at places like Taco Bell, but a preggo has to know. I am making a map of all the joints in this town that have my new favorite food.

3. I smell everything. And I mean everything. We have an out of order bathroom. We keep used dishrags, and such in the sink until the washer is free and there are enough to justify a load. I cannot go past that door, and John is now washing two and three used rags at a time, to keep me from having to talk to by buddy Mr. T every time that door gets opened.

4. My love of Indian and Thia food has gone from me. I LOVED these foods, and I mean that. Passionately.

Now, they could fall of the face of the earth. They just don't taste as good. I would rather be eating mashed potatoes.

5. I love to pee. Some people think this symptom doesn't show up for a while, but it is here. And it is dragging me to the bathroom at least once an hour.

So many new gross things, so little time...

So, I guess you can look forward to this blog being full of unnecessarily personal and gross information from now on. I am sure it only gets better through pregnancy, and then the stuff after, that involves messy kids is probably equally yucky.

Enjoy. And for all you weak stomached friends, I guess you won't be reading anymore! :)